Tag: advice

life, Literature, Love, poetry

Abuse Mechanism

Tanya'sopinion

There is no individual as far as I can see who has not been either abused or inadvertently part of abusing someone. Someone brilliantly remarked in life you are abused by some and you abuse some. I don’t know whether, I agree with the statement or not , but I do feel we all need to develop a thick rhino skin to be able to withstand the conniving abuse mechanisms of certain people unfortunately of few who are closely related.

In couples very often children are used as a ploy to threaten each other. I’ve been in a position several times where I’ve been threatened that my daughter will be taken away if I try to leave. Earlier out of fear very often I’ll give in due to fear of being separated from my child but lately I’ve decided not to let the fear paralyze me and allow things to unfold. I guess once bullies and abusers are shown that you don’t fear the consequences, it breaks the whole pattern of abuse. What do you 🤔 think??

As they say there is a bigger victory awaiting after fear… . It’s disheartening that the weakest individuals among choose such mechanisms to intimidate and weaken the spirits of others. Some of us give in thinking that may be this is the end and get caught up in vicious cycle of abuse mechanism. If you feel you’ve been in similar pattern of abuse, I feel you need to first get rid of the debilitating fear and seek help, I’m sure it’s available or talk to near and dear ones.

Most importantly break the pattern of your own fear and anxiety!

ring
feminine, Humanity, Kindness, Compassion, Inspiration, Legend, Love, poetry, Self-Help, woman

A Brute For A Man

Tanya'sopinion

What evil dwells in men who lock up

their women in golden cages and deny them

the freedom which nature bestows upon them

the freewill which the lord rests on them 

What kind of love justifies binding up feet

of their women so they can never walk freely,

strangulate their feelings so they never have any

dreams of liberation? They  suffer silently with men

of such devilish brutality, for whom their wives

are just trophies and machines to bear children

which they threaten to take away because the

law is on their side and the house is on their land.

These wives are made to bow more and everyday

and any last vestige of  shredded-esteem that is left

in the gaunt  hollow body and parched heart is

trampled and crushed upon. Even the wisest and

fairest of damsels fall into the charms of these

kinds of brutes who walk ten feet in front of women,

for they are men and carry the burden of their mothers

while their women have already paid for six feet deep.

Their women smile and carefully mask their purplish

dark circles with concealers and expensive mascaras,

however the blueish veins still remain visible beneath

the six layers of dark makeup, The diamond ring

of unholy matrimony used as a bait to catch the

rare fish, digs deep in fragile fingers obstructing the flow

of any life present inside, the wedding gown lay hanging

of a bride who ordered a pretty shroud for herself. 

Still these wives carry neat appearances and smile even 

when chained with hot iron shackles of pride and disdain.

Thoughts of mercy- killing  lingers and echos all the time

but still they carry on for the sake of the newborn babies,

they  bear every-year with a single wish if they are born

as girls never to mistake brutes for men as their mothers did.

For she  can have an unfortunate fate like mine or yours….

Tanya Shukla

Your love
Humanity, Kindness, Compassion, Inspiration, Love, Nature, poetry

An Ode To My Daughter

Tanya'sopinion

Walk on unafraid without 
thinking of
The hurt of foes or friends 
Be the captain of 
Your ship 
Sail slowly in the direction 
Of  lucky star 
Never be in haste 
For slow and steady
Wins the race 
March on fearless 
Through the darkest alleys  
Carrying the torch of
One God above 
Fathers, lovers will 
Try to hold on 
Liberate yourself from 
Shackles of their kinds 
You are the mistress of 
Your own fate 
Never bow down to 
The trying times 
Never barter heart for 
Few pounds 
Don’t become an open
Book for world 
To discard 
Carry the essence 
Of few mysteries in your heart
Never carry fragile 
emotions on your sleeves 
Preserve the innermost 
At the core of your soul
Peel off the layers of 
apprehensions and 
inhibitions of 
Any kind 
Go run naked 
Under the blue sky
For the world is your abode
Mighty sky above
the roof 
Humble earth beneath 
Your cradle 
Live your life to the fullest that’s
Your mother’s only 
Advice 

(I wrote this poem for my daughter, Trisha when she was six months, this was my advice to her in life)

Inspiration, Self-Help

Importance of Detachment

Tanya'sopinion

Detachment is an art essential for a happy relationship. When we envisage an intimate relationship, we imagine a bond inseparable and perennial. Doesn’t it sound more like Siamese twins?  A healthy relationship is not based on obsessive attachment instead on a selective detachment. Space and distance can do wonders in a relationship. Detachment brings serenity to an association. It deters one from becoming entangled in the complexities of emotions. A mature and healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and trust. Reverence for each other is possible when we respect other’s boundaries while keeping our space intact million-dollar question how we reach a state of utter detachment while living in the world performing our duties

Detachment in Relationships

Detachment calls for specific skills. Little space allows both the partners to have their own time enabling a mature relationship. It improves the relationship by avoiding annoying emotional hang-ups. Any obsessive attachment is fatal to a growing relationship. When you start banking on the other for every need, you start expecting more leading to frustration. Attachment can be threating to our self-respect and inner peace.  Detachment doesn’t mean one has to be devoid of any passion but being affectionate without depending on others for your happiness. Many relationships crumble under the heavy burdens of expectations and disappointments; a little distance helps one to be realistic.

Emotions & Detachment

Attachment is the cause of many negative emotions. Feelings of envy, rage and anxiety spring from an inherent fear of loss. When we are too attached to a person or an object, we become frightened of losing it. The constant paranoia of losing the thing we consider indispensable for our existence. A compulsive attachment springs from a sense of inferiority complex and inadequacy. A faulty perception that one is not sufficient enough and needs someone to define. This feeling of lack drives us to be attached to either a person, a relation, job or money. We realize our strength when we define ourselves outside the realms of relativity.

Be Realistic

Setting realistic expectations for yourself and others is imperative. When we are obsessively attached to a person or an object, we tend to overdo to seek approval. In return, we also raise our expectations leading to anger and frustration. The cause of pain is expectations. Best way to avoid resentment and heartache is not to expect anything from anyone. It’s essential sometimes to take a step backward and take a more objective perspective. Detachment doesn’t imply being aloof from the person of interest instead it is all about being utterly unrifled by the outcome of an action.

 Focus on Yourself

In our quest to seek answers to the questions that life throws at us, we pursue people and objects. But instead of chasing others we need to realize all the answers are within us. A detached awareness endows one with more understanding. It offers a clear vision of a situation; it helps one to focus objectively on the situation while knowing oneself. It is all about loving the other person while taking care of yourself. Spend some time with yourself, sit in stillness and do some introspection. Offering some time and space to your partner is never a bad idea, it allows some breathing time. Develop some hobbies or interest to keep your mind engaged and away from the mundane issues of the day.

A healthy detachment can lead to a mature and robust relationship. When you genuinely care for a person, you don’t encroach on his/her privacy. You will never trespass on the boundaries set by the person. In the words of great Gibran,

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness.”

 

Inspiration, Self-Help, Uncategorized

Learning Not To Take Things Personal

Tanya'sopinion

Many of us have this weird habit of taking things personally. Let me give you an instance from my life the other day, my husband got up grumpy and started yelling at me. Despite knowing that it has nothing to do with me, I decided to confront him, and the situation got out of control. It completely spoilt my mood while my husband remained oblivious. Let me confess I am a hypersensitive individual who can take even a sneeze or a cough personally.  Every time we react to someone’s grumpiness or awkward behavior we end up giving the power of our life to the person. While we burn in the inferno of our assumed indignation, the other might be completely clueless. We have spent many sleepless nights fretting over others opinion and fueling our rage. Ever wondered why we take things so personally? Is this mere ego or oversensitivity?

Don’t Care Attitude

There are certain things and situations which are out of our control. We can’t correct and rectify other’s behavior and emotions but we can keep our response in check. Obsessively worrying about others opinions will yield only disappointment and heartache. It’s better to adopt a don’t care attitude towards others. Rather than focusing on others, it is better to reflect on our behavior and reactions. When someone misbehaves or use fouls language it reflects their character, not ours. Try to keep yourself busy and learn the art of ignoring small trivial matters.

Put Yourself In Other’s Shoes

It always pays to be understanding and compassionate. It’s not necessary that we always react at others wrong, sometimes it is better to put yourself in other’s shoes. Rather than getting into argument and confrontation, step aside and allow it to cool off. Try changing the focus of the confrontation. Once the rage settles down, try understanding the other person’s perspective while confiding your feelings. Cooling periods will allow you to keep in check your behavior and emotions too. Avoid kneejerk reactions to situations.

Be Emotionally Independent

We define ourselves from the relationships we have in our lives. We depend on others to fulfill our emotional needs, which is the root cause of the trouble. When our partners are encouraging and loving we feel elated on the other hand their criticism can sting us badly. Rather than expecting others to make us happy lets simply stay emotionally independent. Create a personal boundary telling everyone that you will not put up with certain behavior. Boundaries can prevent you from getting entangled into unnecessary complications. If other person trespasses on your boundary and intimidates your or berate you simply cut off your ties.

Learn to focus on yourself rather than relying on others for your emotional needs. Self-worth is internal it has nothing to do with others. No one can make you feel small or embarrassed without your permission. Relationships play a significant role in our lives but let’s not define ourselves solely in relation to them. When we bank on ourselves for our happiness the external influences vanishes.

Inspiration, Uncategorized

Unsolicited Advice & People Behind Them

Tanya'sopinion

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

William Shakespeare

Lately, everyone seems to be knowing what I should be doing in my life. It looks like there are a lot many experts on my life out there. I’ve been getting a lot of advice from motherhood to exercising to expenditure. It’s a good feeling to be having so many well-wishers around me, but sometimes it’s irksome. I’ve always had very less patience for people who are ready to offer advice at the drop of their hats. There is a type of people who are expert in giving advice no matter what. They can offer you advice on everything under the sun from science to religion. In their little brains, they are great connoisseurs of art, etymologists, linguists, perfumers scientists and many more. Mister Know -All or Ms. Know-All has lead a very rich life brimming with renaissance arts and inventions. A life modeled on the theosophic and pragmatic philosophies of Aristotle and Plato while your average life revolves around earning bread and butter. How ordinary?

Unsolicited Advisers

We all have at least one Monseuir Know -All either in our families or at our work, who will not stop offering advice. His little brain seems to have decoded the secrets of every possible mystery hidden in the universe. If not on any other discipline he/she is surely an expert on your life. The mini Darwins as I like to call them, have expounded an evolutionist theory on your life from the cradle to the grave and everything that lies in between. While they are permitted to offer their pearls of wisdom through a divine right, you must behold your tongue since you are ignorant of your misdeeds. The sheer horror of their site makes you want to change the course of your discourse, alter the path to your cubicles and if necessary question the maker of your destiny. Question your lord, why did you drop this specimen of intelligence and beauty in my life? Is it to make me feel pathetic and miserable?

Psychology Behind Unsolicited Advisers

People who offer too many devices are failures in their respective fields. The advice is a way to exert their need for superiority in your life. I once had someone advise me on getting up early for a jog when I asked innocently is he getting up early, the answer was no. It was an expected answer, after all, someone who gets up at four to exercise, knows how difficult it is. They seem to be specialists in relationships too and know exactly how you can rectify relationship mistakes. But have a glance at their relationships, and you will realize their affairs are a complete train-wreck. The need to fulfill the void in their lives make them offer advice. It’s an act of masquerading where they try to conceal their follies and mistakes. The inbuilt insecurity and the perfect envy drives them to pretend that know everything about you and your not so picture-perfect lives.

It’s never wise to take an offense when you have someone giving you advice on a regular basis. At least this is what I’ve realized during my many encounters with such individuals. It’s perhaps more useful to understand the cause beneath their know-all façade. As you will get to know them, you will discover an injured soul or a disappointed life. Next time when you have a chance rendezvous with a habitual advice giver, don’t alter your path simply lend your ear and remember,

“Advisors are generally brilliant theoreticians but wretched practitioners.”

Francoise Giroud